Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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