Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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