Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
not ubering you a puppy
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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