There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
