i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Randomize
