Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
We named our party play list daddy issues
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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