No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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