Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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