Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
false alarm. still invincible.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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