What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
