the condom got lost in my hair
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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