If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
