i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
