bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
