I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
