yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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