Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
