Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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