Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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