Please, let me fuck your mom
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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