this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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