Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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