im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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