he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
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