So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
