coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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