you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
