I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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