Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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