I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
