if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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