Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
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My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
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So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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