Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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