You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
