If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
