you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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