they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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