I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
