Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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