why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
