I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
