pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
