you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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