I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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