Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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