Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
