Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
