Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
