im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
That accounts for only three of the penises
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
