Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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