what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
