if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
