I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
