last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
