Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
