Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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