She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
