she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
